you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
what day is it and did you see me today?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
