I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
