the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
