So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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