im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He shit in the fireplace
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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