There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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