so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
