I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
