I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize