My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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