I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
