Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
