What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
