It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
