When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
