New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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