I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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