I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
