Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
