Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
