Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
