If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
