i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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