I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
