haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize