Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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