So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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