I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Randomize
