Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
