She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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