Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
