5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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