M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
3pm strippers are depressing
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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