I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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