I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Be still, my beating vagina.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize