I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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