A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
