If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
