Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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