I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
