DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
