Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
she told me i tasted like america
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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