I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
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