Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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