I accidentally had phone sex last night
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
