Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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