i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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