she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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