I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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