My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
