If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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