You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
