I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
