I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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