My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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