A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
