He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
